Title: So Close and Yet so Far Away
Author: Pip's Sister/Ms. Marvel 1
Pairing: Dante/Randal, Dante/Caitlin
Rating: R for non-explicit m/m sex and some language
Archive: Yes, but please tell me first. Unless you're
the KS Archive or Led Astray, then you're cool.
Disclaimer: Dante Hicks, Randal Graves, Caitlin Bree,
Jay and Brodie Bruce are all the property of Kevin
Smith and the View Askewniverse. They are used
without permission and for non-profit purposes.
(Monetary profit that is.)
Notes: Slash. Don’t flame me you immature bastard.
You got a problem then go to Disney.com and be a good
Christian. (Sorry, I’m just not in the mood for being
nice at the moment.) A little praise at this time
would be a nice thing. Constructive criticism, too.
Oh, this fanfic has no relation to that male pregnancy
one I wrote, by the way.
Acknowledgements: Written for my love of my own
“Randal.” (Even if his voice sounds more like
Dante’s.) I miss you and I hope you’ll forgive me
He could feel that he was there.
That was the worst part of all this: to be so close
and yet so far away. Dante could sense Randal’s
presence on the other side of the bed. He could hear
the other man’s breaths as he slept soundly. He could
feel every movement he made. But that was it. He
never touched him. He even turned himself away so he
wouldn’t have to look at him.
It had never been like this. Ever since they’d moved
into the apartment they’d slept in each other’s arms,
legs entangled and fingers running through each
other’s hair. Not tonight. They wouldn’t sleep that
way for awhile now.
Dante pulled the covers up to his neck and looked
around the apartment the two of them had shared for
the past few weeks. How long had this relationship
been happening? He couldn’t even tell. There’d been
no real starting point. They just sort of fell into
it after those punk kids accused them of being
married. For some reason it got the both of them
talking about a hypothetical relationship. And
eventually that hypothetical relationship became…
well, not so hypothetical. Dante still remembered his
surprise when Randal first gave him a kiss. Randal
was smiling after, acting as if Frenching your best
friend was the most natural thing in the world.
Ever since then his life had been… well, not better,
but happier. He was so much happier. Dante had been
in love before, but something, maybe the fact that
they kept it only to themselves, just made this time
so much better. Randal could be extremely
affectionate if in the mood. Dante smiled weakly when
he remembered all of those kisses Randal would
randomly give him whenever the customers weren’t
looking. Funny, Randal had a real knack for not
They had grown close these past few months. There
were so many good memories, and not necessarily the
“milestone” ones, either like “the first time we ever
had sex” (although that was a very good one) or “the
day we moved out of our parents’ houses and into our
own apartment” (although that was in some ways even
better). A lot of the really good memories were the
little things. A certain kiss. A specific touch. A
phrase that particularly stuck in his mind.
One of those phrases was sticking in Dante’s mind
right now, one that came about one night not long
after they moved in. Randal had rented some porn
videos. Dante was sitting on the couch, Randal’s head
in his lap as they watched a scene with a girl sucking
two dicks at once.
“You have to be amazed by the level of talent,” Randal
Dante just shook his head. “Why do you say so?
Thinking of hiring her for us?”
Randal snorted and stood up. “Nah. Believe it or
not, I think threesomes are just for porn.” He gave
Dante a light kiss on the lips. “I’m a selfish
bastard. I don’t share.”
Dante remembered now how happy that phrase had made
him. How after that they’d… well, they’d decided to
stop watching and start doing. It’d been one of the
best that time, too. So hot. So demanding. Dante
had been the one to take it that time, to submit to
Randal as he fucked him. He still shivered at the
memory of himself writhing on the floor as Randal
whispered, almost chanted, in his ear, “Mine… all
Dante loved it. Dante loved him. Everything about
this felt so wonderful. Maybe too wonderful…
The letter from the mental hospital came yesterday
morning. There’d been a sudden breakthrough in
Caitlin’s case. For the first time in years, Caitlin
had finally started to move again, to speak again.
And she’d asked to see him.
Randal seemed unsettled, but he didn’t protest when
Dante said he wanted to go. Now Dante wished he had,
wished Randal had asked him not to go. Then again, he
didn’t know if he would have listened. He didn’t love
Caitlin anymore. At least he didn’t think so. Still,
they did have a nice history (despite the cheating and
her fucking the dead guy). It was only right that he
should have gone, right?
The visit had gone well at first. Caitlin was
distracted, but at least somewhat responsive. She
could tell Dante his name when he entered in the room,
and even if she didn’t seem to understand what he said
at times, she always nodded, as if making sure he knew
she heard him. And once in awhile she would smile a
certain way, or make a certain movement or inflection
of voice and Dante would see a flash of the old
Caitlin he had known and loved so well.
Dante was enjoying himself in an odd way, but the hour
ticked away too quickly. At 3:00 he stood up. “I
have to leave now, Caitlin. But it was great to see
Caitlin nodded. “Great to see you…”
He started to turn around.
He looked back at Caitlin. “What is it?”
“It’s been a long time.”
Dante shivered a bit. “I know, but…”
“I haven’t even… nobody in so long.”
She stood up and walked over to him and before Dante
could stop to think his arms were around Caitlin’s
waist. He pulled her close and they kissed. She
tasted like hospital food.
When they stopped she was smiling, begging him to come
again. Dante couldn’t speak. He couldn’t think. He
kept thinking of Randal and a cold hand seemed to grip
over his heart.
He didn’t go home at first. He wasted time walking at
the park. He went to the mall and looked at all the
Fashionable Male suits that he didn’t want, didn’t
need and really couldn’t afford. He ate dinner by
himself at the food court and took some time out to
call a few people he knew, just because he could.
But he had to come home some time. And as 10:00
rolled around he finally did. Randal was there. His
arms wrapped around him and he kissed him as soon as
he stepped in the room. Dante hugged him back as
tightly as he could, almost as if he thought he
wouldn’t see Randal for a very long time.
“You’re back late. I was getting worried. So… how
did it go?”
Dante hesitated for a long time, which probably only
made things worse. Then he told Randal everything.
He was apologetic, making no excuses, only saying that
he was wrong and that it was a total mistake and that
it didn’t mean anything and god, he was really, really
Randal’s face was blank. He didn’t say anything for a
long time. Finally… “I don’t know what to say or
“I love you,” Dante whispered. “I care about you so
much. I don’t want to lose you.”
Randal shook his head. “You won’t. I’m not leaving
you. In the big picture, this isn’t that big a deal.
But… that doesn’t make what you did right.”
There was a silence.
“I’m going to go see Brodie tonight,” said Randal.
“See you later.” With that, he was gone. It was the
first time he never kissed him good-bye.
He never came home that night. They both worked the
next day, but Randal never came over to see him.
“Holy shit,” Jay had said at one point. “What the
fuck did you do?”
Dante could only sigh. When a pothead like Jay could
see something was up, it must have been pretty bad.
He never felt so alone.
RST closed earlier than the Quick Stop, of course. So
when Dante came home, Randal was already asleep,
curled up on his side of the bed. Most nights Randal
would never have done that. It was a game they
played. Randal would spread himself out on the bed,
taking up as much room as possible. Then Dante would
struggle to move him, protesting weakly when Randal
would just spread himself out further, or move onto
Dante’s side of the bed. That would be Dante’s cue to
get into Randal’s side. Randal’s arms would then wrap
around his waist and… well…
It wasn’t going to happen tonight.
Dante had slept tonight, but not well, usually
sleeping for two hours at a time then struggling for
another two hours to get back to sleep. He just kept
playing his confession over in his head, again and
again. Kept hearing the phrase in his head. “I’m a
selfish bastard. I don’t share.”
He should have known better. The kiss had meant
nothing to him. And Randal… Randal had been
everything. He wasn’t afraid of being alone, but
being without Randal… that felt unbearable.
Dante tried to reassure himself. Randal wasn’t really
going to leave him, he’d said that before. Eventually
this would all be a bad memory, a sore spot among
millions of good ones that would overshadow it so much
that they’d forget it was there.
But until then, Dante could only lie in his bed, his
body starved for rest and his heart and mind wracked
with guilt. He could only lie in his bed, listening
to Randal breathe. So close and yet so far away.